Friday, October 07, 2005

U/V (MN: 22)

Up On In- Steps For The Light

It’s probably inevitable that this shit gets compared to Tortoise, even though musicians could sit down and pick out all the ways that they DON’T sound like ‘em. Seriously, sometimes I feel like the whole jazz-influenced quiet instrumental post-rock movement (if you wanna call it that) is financed solely by people in bands who wanna admire the musical masturbation, kinda like when chefs buy the French Laundry cookbook to salivate over technique and inaccessible recipes involving squab and foie gras.

Armand Van Helden- 2Future4U

Ugh.

Just say heck no to techno.

Suzanne Vega- 99.9 F

And we’re back. Don Bixtler here with former all-pro reviewer Dick Johnson in the third round of the 2005 Record Review Invitational. There’s just been a shocking development. Dick?

Thanks, Don. You talk about cred killers- this guy has spent the past nine months reviewing his record collection. Here’s a guy who’s posted reviews pretty much every work day since January first. He takes a two week vacation-

-to see Jandek play his first two shows-

-a very credible move there, many scene points accrued.

Credible to the thirty people who like Jandek. The other forty million, three hundred and seven think they’re both tapped.

Anyway, he blows all of the banked cred, all of it, by admitting that he has a soft spot for Suzanne Vega.

Well, Dick, to be fair, Suzanne Vega’s not too bad.

You wanna talk about cred death, Don- she’s it. After that Luka song-

That was a very good song, Dick.

-she let some hip-hop guys re-record “Tom’s Diner”, originally an a capella tune.

A good move on her part. The royalties on “Tom’s Diner”, combined with “Luka”, assured that she’d never have to work again, freeing her to put out the albums that she wants to.

I don’t think she wanted to put out giant pieces of shit.

Dick! Watch your mouth! We are LIVE!

Whatever. No one’s watching the fucking 2005 Record Review Invitational, anyway. How many people were watching the last installment? Forty?

Thirty-seven. But that’s not the-

THIRTY SEVEN?

Um, back to the review. Vega’s album features a danceable-

THIRTY SEVEN PEOPLE? WHO FUCKING CARES!

-proto-techno song, as well as tough yet gentle-

WHY HAVEN’T MY CHECKS BEEN CLEARING? BECAUSE NO ONE WATCHES THIS FUCKING SHOW, THAT’S WHY!

-usual acoustic grace-

THE GODDAMN SPONSOR’S PRODUCT SUCKS! HEY FAGAN’S, YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

Um, Dick, for the sake of-

AND YOU! DON BIXTLER! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, ANYWAY? SOME WASHED-UP EX-MANAGER WHO COULD NEVER MAKE IT HIMSELF, COMMENTING ON PEOPLE WHO ARE COMMENTING ON BANDS! THIRD-HAND BULLSHIT!

-Dick-

LET ME TELL YOU

(static)

6 Comments:

Blogger howie said...

awesome.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

I'm impressed that you're still sticking with this project. Such stamina!

AC

1:52 PM  
Blogger howie said...

there's a review of "raining down diamonds" on www.brainwashed.com at the moment as well as a great rant about the "kill whitey" parties in brooklyn.

5:55 PM  
Blogger Bud Wiser said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:01 AM  
Blogger Bloggy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:41 AM  
Blogger Clickbank Mall said...

Great Post but was not what I was looking for. But you really have a gread blog here. Keep it going.


I'll stop back every so often to see new updates maybe something will interest me in the future.

Have a good day.

8:50 PM  

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